Patience and Waiting

It’s been a long day, good but definitely tiring.  As much as I love kids, when I nanny five year old twins, Mae and Grace, they challenge me to stay on my toes. Today was filled with imagination, from princesses dancing to peter pan plays to picnics in the park. Thankfully today I got to be Hermione and not one of the evil stepsisters from Cinderella. Why it is so funny and entertaining to them to make me the evil people or boys I don’t know, but they never fail to find amusement from it. I on the other hand find amusement from the way Mae always insist upon being professor Umbridge who is notably one of the most hated characters in the harry potter series. That’s what I love about little kids though, the details and reasoning behind decisions don’t matter its all about how the name sounds and who they think is funny. After so much pretend play today, I was actually kind of thankful to go straight to work for some social interaction. Lets be honest I was more than a little thankful, although I can be a partial introvert at times, I thrive off of talking to people. One thing I really do love about my job is the people I work with and that I generally talk to a lot of people. I love people. I find them so fascinating and I appreciate the variety and uniqueness of people you meet. I am intrigued by the way people handle different life situations. You have those who become so self obsessed that they radiate selfishness and come in demanding we give them everything they want when they want it. Then you have those who are aware of their surroundings and instead of dumping their grumpiness on me they try to lift my spirits and encourage me to keep going strong. I marvel at the way God allows my path to intersect with fellow believers, opening up the conversation to be more then just your typical friendly exchange. As much as I love talking to every single person about the weather and their plans to enjoy the sunshine while I am stuck at work, it’s nice to every now and then hold a conversation with some depth to it. It never fails to make my day just that much better.  I just love talking to people in general, but when the conversation turns towards Jesus and I end up staying in touch with people because of that my day is automatically improved. As much as I love social interaction though, I am so thankful to finally be at home, in bed surrounded by my favorite things: my bible, journal, devotionals, maybe a book or two and oh yeah another prayer journal as well as a journal filled with letters to the unknown man who I will one day marry. To say I like writing and journaling would be an understatement. I feel most comfortable right here; it is all so familiar and just gives me such a sense of freedom. Here it is just about Jesus and me. It is not about comparing myself to others, it is not about meeting expectations or being who people want me to be. Jesus isn’t looking at the outside, he cares about my heart. Oh, he cares about me so much. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by his love for me. The fact that he wants me, he chooses me and will never stop pursuing my heart.  I could go on and on about this, but instead I take a deep breath, quieting my soul and choosing to chase after God right here right now. Yes, I simply want this moment to be about Jesus. Lately I have been so restless, and I can’t place my fingers on the reason. Perhaps it is just the season of life, not having clear direction and the growing desire to have an impact on people instead of just being another living breathing human being. Its not that I am not happy where I am at, in fact lately I have just been overwhelmed by how loved I am and just so thankful for my friends and family. For the first time in forever, I can say I am truly very happy. So what is it Jesus? What is this stirring inside my soul? Why am I so restless and what is my soul searching for? I finally put my pencil down. I have rambled on for a solid eight pages, it isn’t helping. I sigh in frustration, curling my feet underneath me, setting my journal aside and turn up the music a little bit, letting the words wash over me. As I close my eyes, I feel my heart beating quicker the lyrics penetrating the wall I am trying to keep up, “ I’ve come to this place in my life, where I am full but I am not satisfied. Longing to have more of you”. I begin to truly quiet myself; I’ve clearly had my fair share of talking. Now I know Jesus wants me to simply listen. Oh gosh, why is listening so hard for me? Well probably because all I ever do is talk. Right now though, I am choosing to quiet my mind choosing to pay attention to what Jesus has to say to me. That’s when Jesus slowly begins to speak to me and this is what I hear him tell me.

Be still dear one. Stop trying to rush through life. Be still. Let me love you, and heal you and use you right now. Every day if you look for it, you will see me and hear me whispering you are mine and I love you. This, right here is the life I have chosen for you and it is truly beautiful. Stop complaining about what you don’t have, look around at all your blessings. Live simply and pray often. Above all, love others as I love you. Live each day, seek me first and never forget you belong to me. Trust. I will provide all you need. Don’t over complicate things. It is so simple dear one! Everything in your life should reflect me-my love and glory. Take a deep breath. Be still. Listen for my voice and let silence wash over you. I will speak to you through the silence, just wait, be still and listen

Why is the answer always to be still and wait? Lets just say that patience and sitting still are not exactly the things I’m well known for. I mean, I am learning to appreciate being still and I enjoy solitude up to a certain point, but I’m pretty sure I can’t go over an hour without talking to somebody. Well to be fair, I appreciate silence when I have my journal because I can get all my thoughts out and organize the jumbled mess of emotions and words and whatever else that is running through my head. But when God tells me to simply be still, the last thing I want to do is be still. And patience, what is that? Some foreign and distant word which in no way describes my life? That sounds about right.  Well, it looks like Jesus did give me an answer; it just might not be exactly what I wanted to hear. Yet I know its exactly what I need to hear.  That is Jesus for you; he never fails to tell you exactly what you need to hear even if it is the opposite of what your entire being wants. Man, God is good and I am thankful for his truth and reminders on days like today. So hang in there dear friends, God has beautiful beautiful plans for your life.

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