Why I am so stubborn, I don’t know. I always insist on having my way, instead of being soft hearted and listening to others. I don’t know why, but lately God has been really pointing out that I am stubborn and I love control. If things don’t go my way, I get upset. If I don’t know every detail of a plan, I get upset. For me, I am happy when I see things slowly unfolding the way I planned in my head-I’ve taken extra precaution to avoid any uncertainty. Not to say there is anything wrong with being a planner, its just I can see God laughing at me as I try to plan my future based on what little knowledge I have, thinking that I know best.
Lately I feel like so much in my life is inconsistent, everything is slowly changing. I only have one week left at work, and so after almost seven months there I will go back to having a lot more free time. Which will be good, but I am already dreading saying goodbye to my coworkers. In many ways it is hard letting go of that structured schedule and routine. Then comes June, my last month in Colorado, which means saying goodbye to my dear friend who is leaving for Spain on the 9th as well as preparing for all the goodbyes that will come with leaving for Australia.
Already I am getting worried about saying goodbye, and boarding a plane on July 1st into so much uncertainty. Yeah, that scares me a lot. I mean, yes I am so excited and I cannot wait to go, but that doesn’t mean I am not terrified and tempted at times to cancel it all and crawl back into my little bubble of control.
Yet sitting here journaling and reading, God is reminding me that uncertainty is okay. That I have to take a step out of my comfort zone, and follow where He leads. I keep listening to oceans by hillsong united and I just love this verse, “ take me deeper then my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior”
I was reminded this morning that there is no greater thing in this world then Jesus. Flipping through my bible I came across Philippians 3:8, yep there is a reason why it is underlined with a star next to it. “ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage that I may gain Christ”
Reading that verse, God convicted my heart and then asked me, “ What does that word “all” mean to you? IF you truly love trust and me me, that means letting go. Letting go of ALL things.
When God say all things, he really means it. All things that I hold onto must loose their control over my life to make room for Jesus.
My need to control everything
My stubbornness
My fears
My plans
My ideas
You see, all those things start with me. Me wanting to control the situation, so I can feel safe and know and prepare for what is to come. Me being stubborn, because somewhere along the way I have gotten into my small head that I know better then Jesus-God of the entire universe. My fears of not having routine, of saying goodbye, of change. My plans, which come neatly packaged all tied up with a bow. My ideas of where I see my future-which obviously includes falling in love, marriage and eventually kids.
That is why this morning, God so clearly pointed out that I have once again made life about my wants, my desires, my needs. Yet God is so gracious and patient, bringing me to a point of humbleness and brokenness.
He whispers these words, “ let go. Let me be your all”.
I close my bible, it is really so simple. I must make a conscious choice to say every morning, “ Jesus I want you, I choose you and you are my everything. Lord, remove this stubbornness and replace it with softness, have your way”. What He told me at church yesterday I feel really sums it all up.
You focus so much on yourself and pleasing everybody. I want you to take all of this and transform it into love. Instead of focusing on yourself and all you don’t like, focus on letting my love into your life. Don’t be afraid. As you let me love you, you’re life will start changing, your heart is going to grow and so is your faith. Don’t you see, I want your life to have an impact. You are going to change hearts through me… don’t be afraid, for I am with you, you are mine. You can either walk with me, or push against me. I still love you the same, my love will never change- I promise. Don’t judge people, love them.
Rose and Thorn 