What if we became okay with being broken as we realized that our scars are in fact proof that we keep showing up and our hearts have a bold determination to persistently keep beating. What if our brokenness and fragility became the very cracks that beauty blooms from as our dreams finally have room to grow.
I fear we spend to much time running from our brokenness and standing in the shadows of our past mistakes. We carry the weight of the shame that our younger-selves would feel if they could see us now. We become bound to hopelessness and twirl in circles looking for a way out of this twisted labyrinth known as life. We numb the pain and solemnly plant our feet in soil that is rocky and stale, prohibiting any growth. We let ourselves down and become or own worst critics assuming that happiness is an illusion and that love will never free us from the prisons we live in. Piece by piece we loose ourselves in the mundane and worthless pursuit of things that will never satisfy us but only succeed in masking our true purpose.
For years I wandered around, stumbling over my own feet, searching for the key that would set my heart free. I wanted a purpose to live for, but my voice was silenced again and again. How can a flower bloom and thrive if it’s afraid of the potential beauty within it so it turns away from the sunlight because all it has known is darkness. I think we fear love and vulnerability because we often can’t even be honest with ourselves. The wind wisps across the open sea leaving us uprooted and tangled upon the shore. We find ourselves face to face with the harsh words and wounds we ignored with no where to hide.
Stripped down until the face looking back at us is simply unrecognizable because of the scars and self harm. You can see where you tried to fix yourselves , perhaps your heart has a few stitches here and there. Your feet are muddy and worn, yet you are still standing and that is an accomplishment. Perhaps you’ve tried to weed the garden that you have in your heart which once was so bold and laced with innocence and fresh spring flowers. Yet for every flower that has grown so many weeds have insisted on showing their power and before long the beauty within has turned faint and distant.
Have you forgotten the way your eyes once sparkled and your hope was not tainted by the words people say and the weapons they carry?
The truth is, running away is much easier because when you trust someone you often give them permission to hurt you and it is not guaranteed that they’ll love you back. Perhaps you run because you are afraid to grow roots because your past experience has shown you that love doesn’t stay. We all have wounds that grow deep, a lack of I love you’s, promises unkept like flowers trampled beneath a world that is not always kind. Often running away is easier because being vulnerable is scary and you cannot always determine if somebody will shatter your trust. Sometimes we run away because we are afraid of being broken, it scares us to look at the parts of our hearts that have wilted and stopped beating. Maybe it is a lack of self worth, thinking that our hearts are not valuable and worthy of the love and time commitment it takes to intentionally stay.
I used to think this was true about God, that His promises were to good to be true and he was not here to stay. I was hesitant to pursue him because I was afraid that he would not accept my small and insignificant heart with all of its thorns and scars. I thought that perhaps he was to busy to care and that freedom was not meant for my wandering heart. Yet I could never silence the ache in my soul, the longing for something more. I was tired of the self hatred that caused my voice to be a mere echo that timidly bounced off the walls of the prison I had created and called home. I knew I was not made for the darkness that encompassed me with its flattering and vicious lies, but I had grown so accustomed to it I was terrified of the light. For how often do we let fear guide us, when all along our heart cries out for something more.
If I couldn’t love myself then how could someone else? Yet isn’t that the beauty to be found in a God who is limitless and boundless in his adoration of our hearts. His love isn’t dependent upon circumstances or the season we are in. His promises are so much more then something we recite at church and tattoo on our arms. His very breath is found in our lungs. In the same way the waves of the ocean consistently return to the shore he promises to be faithful even in our unfaithfulness. Where we see flaws He sees redemption and when we get scared he is always beside us holding our hands. Forgiving and merciful his voice calms even the most ferocious of storms.
Growing roots can be scary because it takes time and requires living a life that is full of depth. It requires patience and vulnerability. A bouquet of flowers is beautiful for a season, but it is always picked for momentary enjoyment because without roots you will slowly wither. So be patient and stay for the process even when it’s easier to run away and settle for less then what you deserve. To be honest with ourselves we must admit that we are broken, perhaps even completely shattered. Yet Gods love offers a fresh perspective and he only sees the potential for growth as he calls out the beauty within. So don’t be afraid of the difficult seasons, they are essential in your growth and a reminder of Gods unfailing love and faithfulness. Love should be more then just the occasional sunny day, it should be the very breath that we breathe and the path we walk down. Everywhere you go, your footprints should be laced with seeds of kindness and love. Don’t let harshness become a defense mechanism that is simply a reflection of your insecurities and the lies that have taken root. What if we begin to realize that change starts with letting go and allowing Gods love to become more then just the breeze that gently blows through the trees. Let yourself feel the pain from past moments of hurt and rejection, but don’t bury your purpose behind your regrets and self pity. Remember to be kind to yourself and others, because if their is one thing this world needs it is hearts that have the courage to stay rooted in kindness and that are generous with their love.